Sugar and Spice and Not Everything Nice
by cascade-of-black-ink
Summary: A new couple move into Wisteria Lane, bringing with them a scandal of their own. Ian's daughter with Jane comes to stay with Susan for the summer, Alma approaches Kayla, and who actually pulled out Monique Pollier's teeth? And Gabby's stalker is not Zach.
1. The Definition of Normal

Author's note: This is my first try at a Desperate Housewives fic! I'd really appreciate your comments! The ones in italic are Mary Alice's narrative.

Chapter 1 : The Definition of Normal

_What do you call normal? A tired mother dealing with the latest addition to the family with a smile on her face? A wife hoping desperately for peace and stability to return to her marriage? Perhaps for you it's a divorced beauty trying to come to terms with being alone again. Or the single mother who blurts out "I love you" but somehow in her heart feels that it is hollow?_

_Either way, life at Wisteria Lane has its own times of normalcy and extraordinariness. You just have to know where to look, which stones to overturn, and which door to knock on to borrow some sugar._

_I am sure that it is also very normal for one to see another person move into the house which he or she has inhabited before. Today, a young and happily married couple will move into the house which my husband, Paul and my son, Zach had emptied when Tragedy had struck its hammer against the concrete anvil. And the one(s) who came after them._

_My friends might go out to greet them with boxes of food and kind souvenirs, perhaps offering to help them unpack. But as I watch the day begin and hear their coming, I smile, because the advantage of being where I am is this and only this: I know the truth, and I know the secrets._

_But my lips are sealed._

It was another morning in Wisteria Lane, but it's not turning out the way it should be for Susan Mayer, whose every joint felt like staying put in bed. It might be helped by the fact that she had very nearly lost her newfound 'love' and had just only managed to rescue the relationship by spilling out the three magic words: I. Love. You. She laughed at it's simplicity. I. Love. You. Iloveyou. I... love... you... She sighed and stole a glance at the sleeping man by her side. "I love you, don't I?" she whispered, half-afraid that he could hear her. But Ian just muttered something about salted shamrocks and turned over the other side. Susan giggled and swatted his back gently. He wouldn't even had felt it.

For Lynette Scavo, her day always began with a scream from the baby. But lately, Penny had assumed the sleeping schedule of normal human beings. So who...? The sunlight was full in her face and she rubbed her eyes. "God, what is that?" she mumbled. Tom grabbed the covers and flung them over his head. "Tom?" she yawned and, upon seeing no movement from him, gave his shoulder a hard shake. "Tom, please? It's your turn."

Tom grunted. And that was it. Lynette sighed heavily and got up. There _had_ to be a very good reason for such ungodly screaming.

Bree Van de Kamp, no, Bree _Hodge_, felt extremely odd waking up in an empty bed, knowing that the person who used to share it with her was in prison. To _aid_ police investigations. For a murder she was positively convinced he did not have any part in. The feeling felt extremely familiar. Once again, her bed was empty. Bree sat up slowly and propped her back against her pillow, smoothing the sheet with a restrained smile before leaning against it. Then she began thinking. First, Rex. Then George. Now, Orson... Before she knew it, her bottom lip was trembling. _Orson_. Orson who had been such a sweet, kind, and caring husband towards her. Well, all right, there _were_ some things that he had failed to tell her before they married and he _had _caused them to spill out onto the carpet of their marriage and stain it forever. Like the affair with Monique Pollier. And his... cranky mother. And Alma. _Hodge_. He was also a good father figure around the house. Andrew had actually learnt to behave after he had knocked some sense into him. And Danielle... well Bree had never heard any of her nubile female peers whisper 'Miss Van de Tramp' whenever they came within earshot anymore. _Don't worry, Bree_, she told herself with a smile. She drew a deep breath and told herself that it was a new day. She would see to it that Orson was released from the police station. On that day itself.

And she would remind Danielle to not invite Julie Mayer over, for any reason whatsoever.

Gabrielle Solis was facing an almost similar dilemma, only that her husband wasn't dead, or in the police station (he _had_ been in prison but he had got out long since), but separated from her. Divorced. Gabrielle huffed and punched the pillow next to her, cool from inoccupation. And Bill had walked out on her. I mean, who dumps Gabrielle Solis and walks out in one piece? She folded her arms, her face hot from anger. And those damn flowers! She would find the idiot who had effectively ended her relationship with Bill and tear him up into little bits and pieces and scraps and sweep the residue up into a dustpan and empty its contents into Lynette's trashcan (possibly the filthiest of the four of them, what with baby Penny's spills and thrills).

Okay, so flowers weren't so bad, but why pink of all colours? Pink! Not man enough to be red! Gabrielle hated men who claimed that they liked her, yes, but so sorry I just can't take you out to dinner, I have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife/vengeful ex-partner. Whatever. And then they would send her _pink_ roses as an apology. Argh! Was she that undesirable? Was she that unworthy of spending a life with?

She gritted her teeth and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, her day jumpstarted. You, whoever, you are, you are _so _going to pay for it...

* * *

Susan padded downstairs into the kitchen in her green fluffy bunny slippers, which she had picked up last week at a garage sale in Montgomery, the town next to Fairview. Montgomery had great garage market sales. Maybe she should pay another visit there the weekend with Julie. Speaking of whom...

"Austin?"

Said teenager looked up from indulging in a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, Strawberry Flavoured. And it was Julie's favourite orange cereal bowl with the confetti hand-painted by the girl herself on it. Susan stared at him, her jaw dropping slightly. "What are you doing here? And - and where's Julie?"

"Oh, hey, Mrs. Mayer. She's in the bathroom."

"Oh," muttered Susan, still a little groggy. "Oh. What are you doing in here so early? Doesn't your Aunt Edie make you breakfast or something?" _Aunt _Edie. Grr.

He shrugged.

Julie Mayer emerged from the bathroom and smiled brightly at her mother. "Hey, Mom! Coffee?"

Susan sat at the kitchen counter opposite Austin and groaned. "Don't I look as if I need it?" Julie rolled her eyes and strode towards the coffee maker. While she did that, Susan grabbed the Cap'n Crunch box, peered inside and grabbed a single piece of Cap'n Crunch cracker. She bit into it and scrunched her face. "What _do _you youngsters see in this stuff?"

Austin shrugged again. "It's edible."

"You're the picky eater, Mom," said Julie, handing her a mug of coffee. "We eat whatever we can. Right, Austin?" she leaned over towards her boyfriend and they shared a sweet kiss. Susan groaned again. "Stop being so lovey-dovey, for God's sakes. I'm your mother! Get a room!"

Julie rolled her eyes (again) and folded her arms. "Helloo, like, I didn't say anything when you brought Mike and Ian home and made out on the couch while I was watching TV? Sheesh." She looked at her watch and tugged at Austin's arm. "We are SO gonna be late if you don't make a MOVE - "

"Okay, okay!" he dropped the spoon into the unfinished bowl of Cap'n Crunch and grabbed his backpack, which had been resting on the floor. "Go easy on the guy okay?"

"Like, whatever," said Julie as she dragged him towards the door. "Bye, Mom! See you after school!"

"Bye! And be safe!"

"I'll be taking care of her, Mrs. Mayer," said Austin, winking at Susan. Then they both disappeared through the front door. A whimper escaped Susan's lips again as she took a sip out of her coffee.

"Hello, Susie," came Ian's voice as it was his turn to enter the kitchen. He dropped a kiss on her hair. "What's eating you?"

She sighed. "I'm just, well, I don't know. I guess it's the weird vibes I get from seeing _my_ daughter kissing another guy. I mean," she whipped around in her seat to face him, "it _is _completely normal, right? They all grow up some day, and, and this is just the first step right?"

Ian arched one eyebrow. "Right."

Susan sighed worriedly and sipped her coffee. "Oh, what do you know about it? You don't have a kid. You don't have a kid whose hormones are doing more of the thinking than the brain. You don't have a - "

"Actually," he cut in, gently taking the mug out of her hands and setting it on the counter. "I have something to tell you."

* * *

The scream was high-pitched, thrilled, and, as Lynette realised it, sounded just like Kayla.

"Oh, my God," she said to herself as she approached her room. The door was slightly ajar, and there were shadows moving about in the room. Immediately rid of all traces of sleep, Lynette rushed into Kayla's room, nearly kicking the door wide open. "Kayla?"

What she found in her room was nothing that she had ever expected. Her own kids, her own boys, were each grabbing a good portion of Kayla's hair and pulling it in three different directions. Kayla screamed and screamed as she clutched at her head. "Stop it! Stop it!" she yelled. She tried pulling herself away from their angry grasp, but the more she did so, the more pain she felt, so she had to remain there on her bed, helpless.

"Die, she-devil, die!"

"You deserve it!!"

"Yarrrrggh!!!"

"BOYS!" yelled Lynette. "BOYS! What are you doing?"

All at once, Preston, Porter, and Parker let go of Kayla's hair and took a few frightened steps back. Kayla's hands covered her head and she dropped onto the covers, whimpering and weeping. Lynette glared at her sons as she rushed towards the girl and cradled her in her arms. "Sssh, sssh... it's okay now, sweetie. I'm here. I am so, so sorry. I didn't - I mean - are you okay? Would you like anything - "

"NO!!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!" screamed Kayla again as she wriggled out of Lynette's arms and dashed out of the room and into the hallway closet, slamming the door behind her with a bang so loud, Tom couldn't have missed it. Lynette sighed wearily, her hand going to her own head. Then something struck her and she slowly glared at the boys. They twisted their fingers and their mouths twitched, a sure sign of guilt.

"What have you done to Kayla?"

"But Mom!" said Porter, his eyes wide with fear.

"Why did you do that to your own sister?" Lynette was reaching near-eruption.

"She's not our sister!" said Preston indignantly.

"She's your father's daughter!" shouted Lynette. "And that makes her your sister! Now you'd better get that stuck firmly in your head because she is going - "

"But she broke Nellie's arm!" said Parker, his face scrunched up in near weeping mode. "She broke it and there was blood over it and then she threw it away! That wasn't fair because your grandma gave it to you and - and you told her to take good care of it but she didn't."

"She has to die, Mom!" shouted Preston. From the hallway closet there erupted a ferocious howl. Lynette glanced helplessly between Kayla in the closet and her sons. Where did they get such ridiculous ideas? She _had_ to talk them out of their murderous intent. Either that, or she would lose her own sanity as well.

"Okay, guys," she said in a softer tone. She put one hand on Porter's shoulder and the other on whimpering Parker and guided them gently so that they sat meekly on Kayla's bed. Using the psychological prowess that she had picked up at a parenting course, she whittled the room down to just the three of them... and her. "Look, I know this is all very hard on you. Kayla used to be the girl who visits Daddy every weekend for an hour or two, but now," she shrugged, "she's suddenly your sister. It's hard for you and I understand that. But you gotta know and understand that Kayla's just lost her mom. It's hard for her to suddenly have three brothers and another sister. So, can all of you do a favour for me and please be nice to her till - " Lynette trailed off there, suddenly at a loss for words.

"Till?" asked Porter.

"Till..." then an idea hit her. "Till she turns 18."

Preston frowned. "_Then_ only we can kill her?"

Lynette's smile became a bit frozen. "Er..."

"I wanna break her arm off like she did to Nellie!"

"Yeah!"

"No! No, you can't do that, okay? Boys!" All three quickly jumped off the bed and ran outside the room. On their way down the stairs, each gave a smart rap on the closet door and shouted, "Kayla is going to DAI-IE!"

And from the closet: "I HATE YOU!!!"

Suddenly, Tom entered the room, still sleepy-eyed and in his sweats. "What the hell is going on? It's already 7 and if they keep this up, they're going to be late for school!"

Lynette sniffed and tucked a stray blonde lock behind one ear. "And that's my fault, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Everything's my fault, isn't it?" she glared at him. "It's my fault that Nora died, it's my fault that Kayla's unhappy, and it's - it's my fault for raising such naughty, irresponsible - "

"Hey, hey, honey," said Tom gently, pulling her into a hug. She didn't resist. Lynette rested her head on his shoulder gratefully. Tears slipped out from underneath her eyelids. "It's all my fault, it's all my fault..." she murmured, pressing him closer against her. He shook his head and carressed her hair. "No, no it isn't," he said. "It isn't your fault. None of it, it's mine. It's my fault. I caused all this."

Lynette pulled away from him with a half-smile on her face. "You admit it! Oh, oh my God, thank you!" she gave him another squeeze and pecked his cheek. "Now I'm just going to, uh, dry up and, get breakfast going."

Tom gave her a weird look. "What the - "

"Oh, I almost forgot," she said before leaving the room, the half-smile fixed on her face. "Kayla shut herself in the closet. You're her dad, so maybe you could get her to come out?"

* * *

When her two children, Andrew and Danielle, had cleaned up the breakfast menu and sent off lovingly to school, Bree selected the dark turquoise suit that she usually reserved for afternoon tea at the country club with her late husband's colleagues and wives, smoothed her luxurious red hair and perfected the little bob at her shoulders and clasped on her mother's timeless pearl necklace with matching earrings. Then she applied an adequate amount of make-up, got into her Volvo, mustered all her dignity and drove to the only police station in Fairview. She ignored the curious glances she received from the officers on duty, knowing full well that they knew that this was not her first time in the police station. She returned their curiosity with a gracious smile.

"Good morning to you," she said to the female officer behind the public services counter. "I'm looking for my husband. His name is Orson Hodge and he has been detained here overnight, supposedly to aid the police with their investigations, as if they haven't had all the help that they can get."

"You mean you wanna bail him out," said the young, white female officer on duty in a bored voice.

Her sweet smile became fixed on her face. "I'm sorry, I just want to talk to Detective Ridley. He's the one who arrested my husband. Who is, by the way, as innocent as a child."

"Detective Ridley's in the interrogation room," said the officer again. "Interrogating somebody. It might be your husband, or not."

Bree fought to keep the smile on her face. She won. "Well, why don't you confirm it with me, officer?"

The officer narrowed her eyes at her. "I'd love to, Ma'am, but I'm kinda busy."

Bree leaned over the counter ever so slightly and said to her in a low voice that quivered, "And do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?"

"I'm sorry, but I really - "

"You will tell me where my husband is right now or I swear I will..."

"Ma'am, please calm down."

"I can't calm down!" Somehow, the polite smile was still stuck on her face. "I can't walk out of the police station without him. I need him by my side when I get home. I need to be able to tell my neighbours that I'm proud to be Mrs. Hodge. I need to tell my friends that he's innocent, that he didn't have anything whatsoever to do with the murder of Monique Pollier, and that it wasn't his fault because it's enough to be accused of murdering his ex-wife and now be accused of murdering somebody else! I can't let that happen!"

The officer stared at her. "Ma'am, I'd really love to help you out, but I can't. As long as Detective Ridley doesn't give me his approval, I can't let you meet him or bail him out. If he can even be bailed."

Bree swallowed. Hard. "How much do you need?"

"Excuse me?"

"How much do you want? Because I have a checkbook that's functioning and you can just name the figure."

"Are you buying me off?"

Determination set itself in Bree's eyes. "You don't know the things I've gone through. You don't know how badly I need this one to work. I need this marriage to function and I need my husband! Is that too much to ask? And yes, I AM buying you off!"

"I'm anti-corruption, Ma'am."

"What did you say?"

"I'm saying that no matter how much money you give me I can't let your husband go. It's not in my duty to - "

"What are you talking about? Of course you can, officer! You can! You just don't want to!" Her voice rose shakily.

"I'm telling you again, Ma'am..."

Bree ignored her protest and drew out her checkbook anyway along with a fountain pen. "I want you to know that I am prepared to pay any price that needs be to secure his release."

The officer seemed to shrink back. "Ma'am, I suggest you hold it back till we find out if he can be bailed out or not."

"And by when may I be able to know that?"

"I can't offer you a certain timeline. We'll have to wait for Detective Ridley to be done interrogating him."

"I can't wait, officer, and I've already told you that," insisted Bree, trying to be as agreeable as possible despite her growing distress. "Come now, officer. How about $2500? $3000?" Bree peered at the badge attached to the officer's uniform and started writing her name on the check. "_Saralee Whiteley_... why what a nice name you have! Shall I write in, say, $2500? You didn't object to that earlier?" She wrote the particulars down onto the check, the amount, and put her signature down. She was about to tear the check away from the book and hand it to her when Officer Whiteley's eyes darted around furtively and she lowered her voice as she spoke to Bree. "You can get jailed for this."

Bree smiled and leaned forward. "I won't be if you don't tell anyone."

Officer Whiteley broke into a twisted smile as she locked gazes with Bree. "I _will_."

The smile disappeared from Bree's face as suddenly her wrists were grabbed from behind. "What? Wait! Wait! What are you doing to me?" They were handcuffing her! "No! Hold on, please! I haven't done anything yet! She didn't take the check! Wait, she is just as guilty as I am! Oh, please, please, all I want to do is to see my husband!" She glared at the Whiteley woman. "How could you?"

She shrugged. "It's a crime to even _try_ to bribe an officer, d'you know? Don't worry, Ma'am, I'm sure you won't get more than a night in jail."

Bree bit her lip, but somehow was able to compose herself as the male officer who had handcuffed her led her further into the station and to the small cage there that stood for a prison. And she somehow found the will to hold her head high as she was put into the small cage. Bree Hodge had dignity. This was nothing she couldn't handle. And she would hold onto it until the day she took her last breath.

As the male officer locked the cage, Bree gave him an icy cool look and folded her arms. "You'll be sorry about this."

He grinned as he pocketed the keys. "Yeah, right."

Bree's jaw dropped as he walked away, shaking his head and laughing. "How rude!" She bit her lower lip again and gave a small scoff. Dignity, Bree. Dignity.

* * *

After a bowl of muesli and milk, Gabrielle changed into her jogging outfit and strapped her iPod on to her arm. She set the playlist to 'Workout' and tied the shoelaces to her Nike sneakers. Then she zipped up her bright yellow Abercrombie sweater-jacket, paired with matching bright yellow sweats, and pulled her luxurious hair into a neat ponytail. She sighed with satsifaction. It felt so good to be around branded stuff, especially when a former model like her had gotten herself thrown to the middle of nowhere.

Okay, okay, it's called _Suburbia_.

Gabby jogged her way out of the front gate and paid attention to nothing else but the road in front of her and the music playing in her ears, which was a pretty cute song by a group called The Ditty Bops. Of all names. But the song was great. Gabby had first heard it in a TV show and had commissioned Susan's sweet daughter, Julie, to find out about it and download it for her. She sighed. What wouldn't she give to have a kid as great as Julie... but _wait_, she didn't want any kid in the first place, did she? Gabby had nearly changed her mind, but after the whole Xiao Mei fiasco, she decided that parenting wasn't for her. Nuh-uh.

Now she had to direct her attention to the pressing matter at hand. She had to find out who the 'pink-roses-jackass' was. Could it be anyone from Wisteria Lane? Gabby's eyes strayed to Tom Scavo, who was struggling with two big bags of trash down the driveway. "Hey, Gabby!" he called out to her with a grin.

"Hey there, Tom!" she waved without stopping. Tom was nice, but he was married. Lucky Lynette.

Then she saw Andrew Van de Kamp with another big bag of trash. Why was she seeing people with trash bags this morning? I mean, do people throw trash out in the mornings nowadays? Wasn't it at night? His eyes met hers and he smiled tentatively. She smiled back in return. Okay. Not him. Not possibly him. She heard that he was gay. Poor Bree.

Next she came across Ian, Susan's new boyfriend, kissing Susan goodbye before getting into his car. Now that was one guy that Gabby would like to know where Susan had snagged him. He was a good guy, much in the vein of Tom, but he was British. Gabby had come across some of them during her modeling days and found them (especially the party planners) to be so stuffy and full of hot gas. But during the brief space of time that she had known him, Ian had proved to be different. Okay, so he had a butler. Big deal, but so typically British.

After passing by Susan's house, Gabby encountered the newest happy couple to hit Wisteria Lane. Susan's sweet Julie and Edie's nephew. She couldn't remember his name. And they were walking to school. _And _they were holding hands. How cute! "Hi there, Julie!" she chirped. Julie waved excitedly at her. "Hi, Mrs. Solis!"

Gabby's smile faded a bit. "It's Miss, now."

Julie winced. "Oh my God, I - I'm so sorry."

"Nah, it's okay! Hello to you too," she said to her boyfriend.

He smiled briefly but quickly turned his gaze somewhere else. Gabby frowned, but she let it pass. "So, Julie, I, er - send my regards to your Mom, okay? Have a great day!"

"You too!"

Gabby quickened her pace. Okay, that had been awkward, especially with Edie's nephew. She had heard all kinds of news about him... she had even heard that he was a drug addict! But if it were true, then she didn't think that Julie would have gotten involved with him.

But she remembered Bree and her previous boyfriend, George Williams the creepy pharmacist. Anything could happen.

Suddenly, she spotted a moving van. Parked right outside what used to be Mary Alice's house. All thoughts of kids and pink-roses-jackass side flew out the window as she removed her earphones and approached the house. First, the crazy paedophile (who Gabby had even considered cute! Sigh...). Now what weird freak would be added to the Wisteria Lane circus this time? Gabby refrained a giggle at the thought.

A woman with the most beautiful chocolate brown tresses wearing (unfortunately) a fit T-shirt and faded jeans came walking out from the front door of Mary Alice's - what _used _to be Mary Alice's - house. She gave some curt instructions to the movers and walked down the garden pathway towards the front gate, the path that Gabby had seen Mary Alice do so many times. Her heart ached with the memory of Mary Alice. How long had it been since she had been gone? It had seemed years, almost decades. If only Mary Alice knew what had happened to her family after her death, what happened to her friends, what happened to her neighbours, what happened to the whole of Wisteria Lane.

If only...

"Hi there!" Gabby jumped a little. The woman with the beautiful hair had greeted her with a friendly wave and an equally beautiful smile.

"Hi!" said Gabby in return with a smile and she made a move towards the new arrival. "How are you? I'm Gabrielle - " she hesitated, almost adding 'Solis' as if she was still married to Carlos. "Just call me Gabby," she said instead.

"Very nice to meet you!" she held out a hand and smiled warmly. "I'm Lisa Miller." Then a tall, lean man with tousled blonde hair emerged from the front door. Gabby saw him first, and she immediately felt her heart skip a beat. He looked around spotted them. He broke into a very steal-a-woman's-breath-away grin and waved in her direction. Her! Gabrielle! She smiled her best, most charismatic smile and waved flirtatiously back. Then Gabby noticed that Lisa was also waving back. And that he wasn't exactly looking at her, Gabrielle. She felt her face go slightly red and lowered her hand at once.

"That," said Lisa to Gabby, her face positively radiant, "is my husband, James."

Gabby's smile became a little fixed. All she could say was, "Oh?"

* * *

Reviews, as always, much appreciated!


	2. Say Hello

Disclaimer: I wished I owned the Housewives! Waa! But I don't. Point made. :-)

**Chapter 2: Say Hello**

_Neighbours. We sometimes underestimate their roles in our lives. They can be our counsellors, party planner, teacher, or even lifesavers. When have you run short of flour and run over to the house down the street only not to return with that all-important ingredient for your raspberry pie? When have you last asked your neighbour to look after your children and return to not find them in one piece?_

_In Wisteria Lane, neighbours can even change each other's lives. If we weren't all neighbours, I doubt I would have made excellent friends out of Bree, Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan. All of them are very dear to my heart. But then again, if we weren't neighbours in the first place, I truly doubt that I would have killed myself, because I was so afraid of what they would think of me. I was so afraid that I need only to walk down the garden path before I receive hostile stares and cold shoulders from them. But now the cat's out of the bag, and I must say that I am rather pleased that I am no longer around to face what my neighbours have to say to me, whether praise or severe criticsm._

_Yes, neighbours are extremely important. They can offer you help at your eleventh hour, or, in the case of Alma Hodge, can just as easily deny it, and take pleasure from watching you drown._

Susan blinked back at Ian. The muscles of her mouth grew taut. Why, why do all the guys she had ever been in a relationship with had a catch? Why couldn't she have a normal boyfriend who goes to work every morning, returns in the evening for dinner, watches _Gone With the Wind_ with her for the 100th time running, and be there for her when she opens her eyes the next morning? Why must everyone she happened to be interested in have a catch of some sort? Why?? It's not fair. Not fair!

Ian tilted his head and peered at her. "Susie, are you all right?"

Susan stared back at him. Her voice was slightly hoarse when she said, "Yeah, I'm okay."

He shook his head and laughed shortly. "Right. And I'm Daniel Craig."

"Who?"

"Never mind," he said quickly. "I - I don't know how to say this..."

"Oh come on, Ian," she said with a smile. She reached over and grasped his hand. "Your wife is, well, kind of alive, so we're technically cheating; your butler thinks I'm a gold digger, and you just hired the best lawyer in the whole of Fairview for my ex. What else can we not handle?"

He looked at her wistfully. "I'm afraid this is quite the penultimate."

"What the - Ian..."

"I have a daughter."

Okay, that left Susan stunned. Stunned by a pretty heavy, elephant-ish blow. Her mind spun and her jaw dropped. All she could think of was - oh, _another_ catch.

Ian sighed and shook his head yet again. He hoped that it hadn't been too hard on Susan. But he had to tell her, sooner or later. Knowing her unnatural ways of gaining information, he thought it would be better for her to hear it from his own mouth than learning it from his butler if they ever met in the store.

"Susie, are you all right?"

Susan looked slowly at him. "You have a kid?"

He nodded, slowly as well. "Yes, I do."

"How old is she?"

"She's as old as Julie. Susie, please don't be so quiet. It worries me."

"Oh, right." She took a deep breath and another sip from her coffee mug. The coffee felt harder than usual to swallow, but Susan got it down anyway. Anything so that she would not look at Ian. A subtle approach of showing her quiet disapproval.

From the '_How to Build A Steady Relationship With Your Boyfriend (With His Ex Waiting In the Wings!)_'. She was glad she had read the book that Edie had given her last Christmas. Susan normally didn't like anything that came over from that woman's house, but that book had been worth it.

"Her name is Avis," he said with a smile. "She's very clever, and pretty, and, very witty. Jane and I had her when we were in college," he laughed. "How stupidly in love we were back then. I'd say that if it wasn't for little, impossibly adorable baby Avis, Jane and I might have never gotten married at all. Funny, eh?"

"Har har."

"Susie," now it was his turn to hold her hand. She looked at him, trying to keep a smile from her face. "I know this is rather hard on you, knowing that Jane and I had an actual family. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't want to ruin our relationship."

"I know, Ian," she replied, finally giving in to a sad smile. "I don't want to ruin it either. What we got is great."

He grinned. "Fantastic. Well then, you'll be glad to know that she'll be coming here for the summer holiday that starts this weekend."

"Wh-wh-what? So soon?"

"Yes, and I want to introduce you and Julie to her. She's really a nice, sweet little thing. You'll love her at first sight."

Susan laughed, nervously. He'd better be right.

The wall phone rang in the kitchen and Susan nearly spilt her coffee. _What a klutz you are, Susie_, she told herself crossly. "It's okay, Ian, I'll get it. Don't you like have work to do?"

Ian sighed, took a gulp out of her coffee mug and headed upstairs for a shower. She shook her head in amusement and grabbed the receiver. "Hi, this is Susan."

"Susan? Oh, thank God!"

Her eyes widened. "Bree?"

* * *

"Are you okay, Gabby?" 

Gabrielle looked at her, feeling a little dazed, before breaking into her trademark, dazzling smile. Complete with the classy laugh. "Of course I am. Why don't you, er, introduce your husband to me a little bit better?"

Lisa Miller, to her relief, smiled. "Of course! I just made some orange juice and sandwiches for the movers so - perhaps you'd like some of that?"

"I'd love to," said Gabby cheerily. _Get to know your hubby better, that is_.

Lisa led her up the garden path. "So, how long have you lived in Wisteria Lane?" she asked Gabby.

"Me? I think it must have been ages. I can't remember, but you can say that I've been around for a long, long time."

"Really? Do you have any children?"

"Me?" squeaked Gabby again. "Oh, children." She laughed nervously. "I don't have any children."

"Oh, are you impotent?" asked Lisa, halting suddenly.

Gabby's eyes widened in shock but immediately the other woman laughed it off. "I'm sorry, I was just joking! At least I only meant half of it. I mean, I didn't mean any of it!" she sighed and shook her head. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's okay," said Gabby assuringly. "Sometimes we don't think before we speak. I completely understand that."

Lisa smiled at her. "It's a bit complex with me. I can't control what I say."

Gabby laughed and nodded. "I know. Don't we all?"

"I have a tumour in my frontal lobe that stops me from controlling what I speak out so will you please stop laughing like a goat?"

Gabby stopped. At once. Lisa put a hand to her forehead. "Oh dear, I am so sorry for that. I - I really need to stop talking."

"No, please carry on. It's refreshing to meet someone who's honest once in a while."

Lisa smiled back at her as she climbed the front steps. "I'm getting that tumour removed. Soon." Then she turned her attention towards her husband, James, who'd been waiting by the door all the while. She kissed him tenderly on the lips and turned around to introduce him to Gabrielle, but Gabby beat her to it. She immediately extended a hand and flashed him her most brilliant smile. "Hi, I'm Gabrielle Solis. Guess what? I live just down the street!"

"Oh, well, nice to meet you, Gabrielle," he said with a grin. "I'm Jim Miller."

"I know," she said coyly in return. "And please! Call me Gabby!" They laughed simultaneously. Gabby couldn't take her eyes off him. He was gorgeous in a very rugged and sexy way, like he'd just tumbled out of bed. And Gabby loved a man who could pull off the rolled-out-of-bed look effortlessly. And his eyes were _so _brilliantly blue.

"Why are we standing out here?" said Lisa, breaking the magic of the moment. "Come on, let's go in and have that juice and sandwich. Aren't you glad the movers settled the kitchen first?"

"The next headache is the bed," said Jim, casting a frown at the van and the movers trying to get a king-sized, four-poster bed out from it. "I don't know how it'll ever get through the front door."

"They can always dismantle it. Duh."

"That kind of bed can't be broken apart just like that."

"I knew I should have bullied you into buying the DIY Ikea one!"

"Hey!" said Gabby. "I'm still here."

"Oh, right," said Jim, grinning. "Sorry. Uh, come in. It's not quite finished yet so..."

"Be careful or your wonderful banana pants will get soiled. And I won't pay," said Lisa with a smile.

"But they're Abercrombie!" said Gabby poutingly as they went into the house and further in to the kitchen. So far, only the kitchen looked completely finished, with the stove and microwave oven and food processor and sink and everything fixed in place. Gabby smiled, relieved that they had retained the original colour of the house. It felt nice to be back in Mary Alice's house. She remembered poker afternoons in Mary Alice's eternally bright and spotless kitchen. She could even feel the white curtains that used to hang by those neat white kitchen windows billowing about in the summer wind. Now there were none.

"You should put white curtains there," she said suddenly, without consciously realising it.

"Really? I was thinking not at all," said Lisa with a smile as she placed a glass of iced orange juice and a plate of turkey ham sandwich in front of her. "Here, tuck in!"

"Thanks! Why not the curtains though?"

"We're not really big into decor," said Jim, taking the chair beside her and pouring himself a glass of orange juice. "We just want a nice, neat, and simple home."

Gabby stared at Lisa. "Are you telling me that you are NOT going to hang any curtains?"

"No," said Lisa, giving her an odd look. "Is that a crime?"

Gabby broke into another nervous laugh. "No, not at all. It's just that, well, a very dear friend of mine used to live here and she had the cleanest white kitchen curtains in all of Wisteria Lane."

"Oh really?" said Lisa. "Who was she? Where is she now?"

"She's, uh, dead. Her name was Mary Alice Young."

"Oh," said Jim. "I'm so sorry." Gabby smiled reassuringly at him and patted his shoulder gently. "It's okay. I'm sure that - "

"How did she die?" asked Lisa.

"She shot herself."

"Oh my God," said Jim. "Yeah," quipped in Lisa, "oh my God indeed. Why did she kill herself?"

Gabby didn't know how to explain it. The truth would be too demeaning for Mary Alice's memory, and Gabby would rather she be remembered as a sweet, caring mother whose white curtains were the envy of even Bree. "I... I'd rather not talk about it. But you can be assured that there's no ghost!" They laughed again.

* * *

"I want the Super Razor Action Man!" 

"I want it too!"

"Mommy, I want the Chupa Chups! You promised! You prom - "

"MOOOOM!!!! Super Razor Action Man!!"

"Suuu-Man!"

"Stop it, boys!" hissed Lynette at her three sons. "When will you guys EVER learn to behave? This is a store, a public place, for God's sakes! Keep it down!"

"But Mommy - "

"Super Razor - "

"I am SO not going to buy any of that for you if you don't keep quiet. This is Penny's first day out and we're gonna make it really nice for her, okay?"

Penny looked up from her seat in the trolley and gurgled at Lynette. She dropped a kiss on the little girl. "Mmmwah! Mommy loves you too. Now let's get a move on."

"I want Jellyman's Jelly Beans," said Kayla suddenly. She had been following sullenly behind the group and Lynette had refused to pay much mind to her. It seemed that Kayla liked it better that way, so she left it at it. Now she had better not kick up another ruckus. Lynette turned around and put a hand at her waist. "But we still have cookies at home, Kayla."

Kayla scowled as she stared moodily back at her. "My mommy used to buy them all the time."

"What's so great about jelly beans anyway?" said Preston.

Porter caught on the game and grinned evilly. "They're icky, they're sticky, and they stick to your tummy like gummy gum until you choke and throw them all up - "

"I WANT MY JELLYMAN'S JELLY BEANS!!!"

Lynette clapped her hands over her ears. "Kayla, will you stop behaving like a four-year-old? Jelly beans aren't good for your health."

"I DON'T CARE!!!!" yelled Kayla again as she stomped her feet. "I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT!!"

Preston glared at Lynette and folded his arms. "Mom, if she gets the stupid jelly beans I want the Super Razor Action Man too!"

"I want the Chupa Chups too!" said Parker.

"JELLY BEANS! JELLY JELLY JELLY JELLY BEANS!"

"Oh dear, what on earth is going on in here?" Lynette heard another voice and turned around, only to come face to face with Alma Hodge. "Is everything all right, Mrs...?"

Lynette could only manage to stare at her for a moment before she found the wits to reply, "Scavo. Lynette Scavo."

"Oh, yes, Lynette! I remember your name from the dinner at Bree's house the other day but I can't quite place your face. I hope you forgive me."

"Sure, it's no - "

"I heard somebody mention _jelly beans_," said Alma abruptly, bending slightly and smiling sweetly at the kids. Lynette's eyebrows rose. What was this woman playing at? First she made Bree's husband look as if he had killed her, then she bought a house smack in front of Bree's, and now...? Perhaps she had always wanted children, since she and Orson had never had any of their own when they had been together. Maybe it was okay.

"I did," said Kayla. Lynette arched an eyebrow. The girl was smiling the nicest smile she had ever smiled to Alma!

"Aww, didn't your mummy buy those jelly beans for you? You poor girl."

"Actually, Alma - " said Lynette, ready to intervene, but Kayla beat her to it first. "She's not my mommy."

"Oh?" asked Alma in surprise.

"My real mommy died because of her."

Alma turned to look at Lynette, a disgustingly faked, surprised look on her face. "Oh? Is that so?"

"No! No, it wasn't like that! It had been a hostage situation. In ths very store! This woman named Carolyn Bigsby had held me in here with her mom and - and it turned out for the worse and now she thinks that I'd gotten her killed! No, no, I did NOT get her mom killed."

Alma smiled. "Oh dear, what a relief to hear that." She turned back to Kayla. "Did you hear that, darling? She didn't kill your mommy. If you have to blame someone, then blame God, because he loved her too much and wanted her to be with him as quickly as possible. That's why he made the Bigley woman kill her. So that she can take her place with God up above."

Kayla stared back at her. "Really?"

"Of course! And you know what the good thing is? Because she's up there already, you get a free, automatic place in Heaven as well. So when you die, you can go up there to be with your mommy and you both will live happily ever after. But don't kill yourself, oh no," Alma touched Kayla's nose lightly, "God would be really angry at you and he will send you to Hell instead! Then you will never see your mommy again. That's terrible, isn't it?"

Kayla's expression changed from indifference to reverence. "It is."

Preston, Porter and Parker ran towards Lynette and hid behind her legs. "She's creepy, Mom," said Parker.

"Sssh," said Lynette, but her eyes were still locked on the both of them.

"So, Kayla," said Alma again. "If you want any jelly beans, just come over to my house anytime you like! The best time is 4 o'clock, of course, when it's tea time. I can show you my dear, dear baby parrot who can talk! You and I will have so much fun, won't we?"

Kayla grinned and nodded eagerly. "Oh can I really? My mommy used to have a parrot but it died because we forgot to feed it. Can yours really talk?"

Alma nodded. "Of course! Oh, but wait a minute, you have to ask your new mommy's permission first. If not," she glanced sideways at Lynette, "people might say that I am a mean person towards children. Which I am not, am I?" Kayla shook her head. "So why don't you ask her permission first?"

Kayla looked up at Lynette, and for once, that look wasn't of anger, or hate, or sullenness, but of plea. "Please? Can I go to Alma's house every day at 4 o'clock for tea? You won't let me eat jelly beans at your house so I'll eat it there and then you won't have to hate me that much. Please?"

Lynette sighed. She didn't trust Alma, what with her saccharine-evillish (there really was no other way to describe the vibes that Lynette was getting from that woman) smile and her coquettish manner. But Kayla liked her. Probably because she was as sarcastically sweet as Nora.

"Please? Please let me go! You want me to be happy, don't you?"

"Oh come now, Lynette," said Alma with that smile of hers. "Surely you don't want to disappoint a child so?"

Lynette could only stare back at her. She had _that_ kind of effect on people.

"Lynette?"

"Er... sure," said Lynette hesitantly. "Yeah, that's okay. I guess."

"Excellent!" said Alma and Kayla clapped her hands with joy. "I'll see you tomorrow at 4 o'clock?"

Kayla nodded vigorously, a big smile on her face. Alma patted Kayla gently on the head. "Now there's a sweet little thing. Isn't she, Lynette?" she turned and gave Lynette a sly smile.

Lynette smiled back at her, albeit a little too forcefully. "Oh, yeah. Just... sweet."

* * *

To Bree, it had seemed like days since she had stepped into the police station. There was no window in the cage, much less a tiny slit that would indicate the time of the day. She sat stiffly on the bench like a proper lady, legs pressed together and hands on her lap. She watched the comings and goings of officers, civilians and the occassional detective. Miraculously, she was the only one to inhabit the cage. Weren't there any other criminals? Was Fairview finally crime-proof? At first Bree was relieved that she needn't share the cell with some down-and-out drug junkie, but as the hours ticked by, she became restless. She was the only one in the whole of Fairview who had done wrong, and had gotten herself caught by it. Bree Hodge caught and mercilessly jailed when the real criminals have chosen to be good! What was the world coming to? 

On impulse, Bree leapt up from the bench and went to the bars. "I'm innocent!" she called out to no-one in particular. "I just want to see my husband! I'm innocent!"

"Bree?"

Bree whipped her head in the direction of the voice and tears struck the corners of her eyes when she saw who it was. "Susan! You came!"

"Of course I did!" said Susan, walking towards Bree with a sad smile on her face. "What kind of friend am I if I just left you here... all alone?"

Bree sighed. "I thought - well, for a moment, I thought you might. Because," she laughed gently, "because you were angry at me accusing Mike of murdering Monique Pollier, and I was upset because you accused Orson of murdering her..."

"But we don't know if any of those is true," said Susan with a sigh of her own. "Bree, I am so sorry. I should have just shut up."

Bree nodded solemnly. "Me too. Our friendship is worth more than that."

"Yeah. We let love blind us."

"We did."

They fell silent for a few minutes, contemplating their mistakes and taking their time to resolve their own peace. Then Susan jerked, breaking the tense moment and smiled genuinely at Bree. "I'll go and, uh, pay the bail and then we can go out for... ice-cream or something."

Bree returned her smile. "Sure. That sounds fabulous. Susan, I can't thank you enough."

Susan shook her head. "That's what friends are for, right?"

Bree laughed gently. "Yes, yes, I suppose so."

* * *

Erm... reviews? With cookies and cherry and... everything nice. 


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